Lack of Color

Dean stood inside of the dingy motel room, his heart thump-thumping in his chest, clutching a mostly empty beer bottle in his hand. He needed something more, something stronger, something to really sear at the pain in his chest and make it go away, not forever, because that would be a childish, stupid wish, but just for a little while, long enough. Long enough to actually smile, for a real smile to make it's way across his face, because, since Cas had gone postal then…died…Dean hadn't been able to smile, and now, with Bobby gone too…Dean didn't know how much more he could take. He was trying, dammit he was, but he was failing. Dean finished off the bottle then began pawing through his duffel bag, hoping something, anything, would be in there. He came up with half a bottle of whiskeky. A bitter smile worked it's way across his face and he opened the bottle, bringing it to his lips and taking a long swig. He then threw himself onto the bed, he was alone right now, Sam was out, working on the job they were doing, Dean had told him he wasn't feeling well and had stayed at the motel. Now he was wishing that he had maybe gone with Sam, he was alone with his thoughts, with nothing, not even driving his baby, to distract him.
Maybe he could find some porn on the TV, he rolled his eyes at the thought, maybe, more like, pick a channel, any channel, I guarantee there's porn! He sighed and glanced over at the remote then shook his head and took another swig of whiskey. Maybe if he got drunk enough, another swig, he could try and cope with what was happening, another swig, or maybe, a long swig, he could go find a girl and have wild sex. Two more drinks. Nah, better to just stay in the room and wallow in misery. Cas had been a great friend, a dick at times, and a psycho towards the end, but a great friend nontheless. Dean was hurt that Cas had paired up with Crowley and not told them, but it wasn't something he would hold a grudge against him for. Dean remembered saying once that if it ever came to him dying, he was going to wipe the slate clean, anything that Sam or Bobby, and Cas too, had ever done wrong to him, he would forgive. Well Cas and Bobby were dead, and the only thing he was angry with, was them leaving. Cas especially. He didn't even say goodbye. The son of a-no…the idiotic-no…the childish… Dean heaved a miserable sob, he couldn't even think about Cas to be honest, it hurt way to much. Dean took another long drink of the whiskey, he was beginning to run low and his thoughts were getting clouded. Good, the less he could think the easier it would all be. He could feel the pain beginning to seep away and he nursed the bottle, needing to let go and just not think, not dwell on Cas or Bobby or anything. Dean took another long swig and fell back against the pillow, staring at the ceiling which was swimming above him. He blamed it on the alchohol, not the tears streaming for his eyes.
"Cas," he whispered, his broken voice piercing the still air.
"Cas you bastard…you didn't…" a sob escaped his constricted throat, "you didn't even say goodbye…"
"Cas, we needed you! I…still need you…"
Dean sobbed and closed his eyes, not wanting to see or hear or even feel. He lay there for a few minutes, trying to calm his breathing then he sat up and scrabbled along the bedside table until he found his phone, he blinked and stared at it, the brightness hurting his eyes, he squinted then went to contacts, planning to call Sam and ask him where the Hell he was. But he stopped at C, the only C in his contacts, Cas. Before he knew what he was doing he hit the call button and waited. It went straight to voicemail, "Hello, you have reached," then he heard Cas' voice and he almost broke down again, "I don't understand, why do you want me to say my name?" then random beeping. Dean let out a choked half laugh, half sob.
"Cas…" he whispered, "dammit…why did you do this to me? I need you Cas…we need you…I've been praying for you man…but…Cas, please, if you're out there and this is some damn cosmic joke it's not funny! Do you hear me! It's not funny Cas!" he tried to calm his erratic breathing, "Cas…please…" he whispered, his words slurred, "I feel so alone…even Sam and pie and porn don't do anything! Please Cas…come home, come back to us…" he then hit end and dropped the phone, clutching his head in his hands, lowering his face to rest on his knees, broken sobs escaping him.
"Castiel…please…" he whispered.
He wanted Castiel to come back, he wanted it so badly. He wanted it so much that he deluded himself into thinking the lights flickered, into thinking he heard a ruffle of wings. But he refused to turn, knowing it was all a trick his cruel mind was playing, and there would be nothing there, or maybe some dick angel…or some poseur demon.
"I know there's nothing there, except some dick angel or a poseur demon, so why don't you, if you're even real, to fuck off. Cas…isn't…coming back," a harsh, choking sob escaped him.
Another ruffle of wings or clothes or whatever and a slight wind hit him, "hello Dean."
Dean's head jerked up, and he stared, he stared at the blue eyes, and the messy hair, and the suit, and the lack of trenchcoat.
"Cas?" he whispered, tears spilling from his eyes once more.
"Yes."
"B-but you're dead!" Dean cried, knowing it was nothing but his insanity finally catching up to him.
Cas smiled slightly, patiently, "I was, but somehow, I am back…"
"God?" Dean whispered.
Cas looked slightly confused.
"D-did God bring you back?" Dean elaborated.
Cas looked down, looking ashamed, "if he did…I do not way…I am a disgrace as an angel and as a friend…I did not even say goodbye to you…"
"No…no…it's not-"
Cas shook his head, "please Dean, don't…it hurts too much when you say it's okay, when I know it's not, please do not lie to me as well…you yourself seem very angry with me…"
"N-no! I was drunk!" Dean realized that he felt very sober, "Cas…did you…?"
"Yes…I didn't want you to think I was a drunken delusion."
"Cas…you're really real?"
Cas nodded, looking confused again.
Dean stood and enveloped the angel in a hug, not willing to let him go for anything. Cas stood awkwardly for a moment then hugged him back, tentatively, "I am real Dean, and I will never leave you or Sam again…" Cas whispered softly, hugging the trembling hunter close to him.
"Please don't Cas…I need you…so…" Dean let out a choked sob, "so much…"
"Shhh…" Cas murmured, stroking his hair, "I'm here now…and I will not leave you…," both man and angel sat on the bed, Dean held tightly onto Cas' hand, afraid of letting him go, for fear of losing him, once again.
"Dean…" Cas murmured quietly, "you should get some sleep…" he laid down, pulling Dean with him.
"No! If I go to sleep…what if you're gone in the morning!"
"I will still be here Dean, even if Sam tries to run me off, I will still be with you, I will not leave."
"Promise…" Dean whispered, not caring if he sounded childish and scared.
"I promise," Cas replied, gently stroking Dean's hair, "I will be here when you wake up."
Dean relaxed, feeling sleep begin to overtake him, "Cas…sing to me…"
"Sing what Dean?"
Dean shrugged, "whatever you know…something…" he thought of how his mother would sing Hey Jude to him when he was younger.
Cas was quiet for a moment then began to sing softly, it was Enochian and Dean didn't know what it mean, but the words were gentle and full of love.
"Cas…what are you singing?" Dean murmured sleepily.
"I'm making it up as I go along, it does not have a name, but if it did I might call it Dean's Song, as I will only ever sing it for you."
"Good…" Dean mumbled, mostly asleep.
Cas continued singing.
"Hey Cas…"
"Yes Dean?"
"I love you," he then feel asleep, wrapped in the arms of his angel, feeling more at peace then he ever had.